I'm turning 50 on November 11.
Fifty. On 11/11. How's that for a milestone?
And as I approach this next chapter of my life, I've been thinking a lot about everything that's brought me here. The experiences, the people, the decisions, the mistakes, the incredible moments, and the things I wouldn't wish on anyone.
And I've come to a conclusion.
Life is one big, complicated clusterfuck of puzzle pieces.
LOL. Seriously.
I've always believed that when we come into this human existence, we arrive with certain themes and stories that will somehow become part of our journey. Whether you believe in God, the Universe, soul contracts, or something entirely different, I think there's a bigger picture to all of this.
But I don't necessarily believe every single detail of our lives is already decided for us.
I think we arrive with a bag of puzzle pieces. Some of the bigger themes are already there, but the choices we make along the way help determine how those pieces come together.
And just like a 1,000-piece puzzle, you're not going to dump everything onto the table and have it all figured out in an afternoon.
Hell, sometimes you spend hours trying to make two pieces fit together only to realize they don't belong anywhere near each other.
Sound familiar?
Who Are We Really Trying to Become?
Here's something I've been thinking about.
We talk so much about healing as a journey of discovering who we really are.
But are we actually discovering ourselves?
Or are we trying to undo everything that has convinced us we're supposed to be someone else?
Think about it.
When we're born, we have absolutely no control over the environment we're brought into. We don't choose our parents, our families, the circumstances we're raised in, or the beliefs and behaviors we're exposed to.
We learn how to navigate the world through the adults around us.
We learn what love looks like. What safety feels like. How to respond to conflict. Whether it's okay to speak up. Whether our feelings matter. What we're supposed to believe about God, faith, money, relationships, success, and ourselves.
And so much of that gets ingrained into us long before we're old enough to question any of it.
It's not just about our thoughts, either.
Our brains and nervous systems are developing in response to these experiences. Our bodies learn cues, reactions, and patterns. Some of those responses become so automatic that we don't even realize they're happening.
And then we become adults.
Suddenly, we're expected to go out into the world and make decisions for ourselves, build relationships, raise families, manage careers, and somehow know what the hell we're doing.
But how much of what we're operating from is actually ours?
How much of it is what we were taught, what we experienced, or what we learned we needed to do to feel safe, loved, or accepted?
Maybe healing isn't so much about becoming someone new.
Maybe it's about unbecoming everything we learned to be that no longer fits who we are.
Not because every lesson we were taught was wrong. Some of those lessons may be incredibly valuable.
But because, as adults, we finally have the opportunity to question them and decide for ourselves.
And that, to me, is a huge part of awakening.
The Puzzle Doesn't Come With Instructions
I believe there's a reason for the experiences we encounter, even the ones that are painful, confusing, or completely unfair.
And I know that's a complicated thing to say.
Because from a human perspective, there are things that absolutely should never happen to anyone. Abuse, trauma, loss, betrayal. I'm not suggesting those experiences are okay or that anyone deserves them.
But I also can't deny that I wouldn't be who I am today without the experiences I've lived through.
Both things can be true.
I've had to learn how to step outside the fear, anger, and pain long enough to understand what certain experiences were teaching me.
And that doesn't mean skipping over the emotions.
Quite the opposite.
I've had to allow myself to feel them, process them, understand how they affected my mind, body, and energy, and eventually gain enough clarity to figure out what I wanted to do with what I'd learned.
Sometimes those lessons involve recognizing how we've been hurt. Sometimes they require taking accountability for ways we've hurt others.
Sometimes they teach us boundaries, forgiveness, compassion, or the courage to walk away.
And sometimes we don't understand the lesson until years later, when another experience comes along and suddenly a piece of the puzzle falls into place.
That's the thing about puzzles.
You can stare at one little piece for hours and have absolutely no idea where it belongs.
Until you start putting the pieces around it together.
You Can't Learn to Ride a Wave by Reading About It
I often compare life to riding waves.
And here's what I've learned after almost 50 years.
You can read every book, take every class, listen to every podcast, and have all the spiritual awareness in the world.
But until you actually apply what you've learned to your own life, how do you know whether you understand it?
You don't.
You have to get out there and ride the damn wave.
And some waves are going to kick your ass.
You might ride the same kind of wave a hundred times and get really good at navigating it. You recognize the patterns. You understand the timing. You've developed the skills.
Then life takes you somewhere completely different and suddenly you're facing a wave you've never encountered before.
Now what?
The skills you've already developed might help, but this new experience may require a completely different perspective.
You might fall. You might get tossed around. You might end up right back where you started.
But eventually, you have a choice.
You can allow that fall to keep you down, or you can lick your wounds, get yourself back up, and try again.
And maybe you don't get it right the second time. Or the third.
That's okay.
Because every experience gives us another opportunity to apply what we've learned.
And just like puzzles, no two waves are exactly alike.
You can put together a hundred puzzles, but the next one is still going to require you to pay attention to what's in front of you.
What I've Learned at Almost 50
I can say with complete confidence that I am not the same person I was at 20, 30, or even 40.
But deep down, I think I've always been me.
What's changed is my relationship with myself.
I've spent years learning, questioning, challenging old beliefs, recognizing my own patterns, and trying to understand how my experiences have shaped the way I move through the world.
And I've had to put those lessons to the test.
Over and over again.
Some I've passed with flying colors.
Others? Well, let's just say there have been a few retakes. LOL.
But at almost 50, I can say something that I'm incredibly proud of.
I carry a tremendous amount of self-love, faith, and personal accountability.
I trust myself.
I don't need to know exactly how everything is going to work out in order to keep moving forward.
I don't allow fear of the unknown to dictate every decision I make.
And perhaps one of the greatest freedoms I've found is that I genuinely don't give a fuck what the rest of the world thinks of me.
That doesn't mean I don't care about people, their feelings, or how my actions affect them.
It means I no longer feel the need to live my life according to everyone else's expectations.
There's a big difference.
I've learned to be present. To take life one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
Some days I make incredible progress. Other days I barely move.
But I've stopped measuring my growth by whether life is going smoothly.
Because life is never going to be completely smooth.
And inner peace doesn't mean nothing ever gets under your skin.
It means those moments don't have to take over your entire existence.
That, to me, is progress.
Healing Is a Hot Mess
Which brings me to some changes I've been making.
When I originally created my podcast, Intuitive AF², the concept was centered around the two streams of thought we navigate: the conditioned thinking that comes from our experiences and programming, and the intuition that helps guide us beyond those patterns.
It made perfect sense to me.
Apparently, not so much to everyone else. LOL.
I found myself spending more time explaining the title than actually talking about the conversations I wanted to have.
And as the podcast evolved, I realized I wanted room to talk about so much more.
Relationships. Grief. Addiction. Recovery. Trauma. Spirituality. Family. Faith. Our bodies. Our minds. Our choices. And all the other things that make this human experience so complicated.
Because all of it is connected.
So Intuitive AF² has evolved into Healing Is a Hot Mess.
And I think that title pretty much sums up the entire human experience.
Healing isn't finite.
It's not something we complete, check off a list, and never have to revisit.
It comes in phases.
Sometimes we're working through something new. Sometimes we're revisiting something we thought we'd already figured out, only now we're seeing it from a completely different perspective.
Sometimes we're making incredible progress, and sometimes we're sitting on the floor surrounded by a thousand puzzle pieces wondering where the hell to begin.
And that's okay.
The goal isn't to have a perfectly assembled puzzle or to become someone who never gets knocked down by a wave.
For me, healing is about coming into alignment with ourselves.
Learning to recognize what belongs to us and what doesn't. Understanding our patterns. Taking responsibility for our choices. Trusting our intuition. And finding our own way through life without constantly looking to the rest of the world for permission.
It's about becoming comfortable enough with the messy parts that we don't allow them to consume us.
Because the mess isn't necessarily a sign that we're doing something wrong.
Sometimes it's just part of being human.
And maybe that's the biggest thing I've learned in nearly 50 years.
I don't need every piece of my puzzle in place to enjoy the picture that's already coming together.
I don't need to know what the next wave is going to look like to trust myself to navigate it.
And I certainly don't need to have everything figured out to appreciate the life I'm living right now.
So here's to turning 50, embracing the mess, and continuing to put the pieces together.
One choice. One lesson. One wave at a time.
Renee
11 Eleven Healing | You Are Enough